•November 30, 2015 • Leave a Comment

sunlight   so bright
fill me with light

unready for life
everything continues on
still and left behind
seeing feeling movements pass by

think maybe i used to know
who these people are
don’t think i’ve changed
but it’s murky and far away

nothing   everything   is happening
a half take of oxygen
somewhere   my heaven
sober, agnostic space, a place
just to be
lack of expectation   of movement
lack of any more need   of growth

to be or not to be:   not really a choice
because to think, therefore to be
exist   everything in degrees
ninety eight point six degrees

Energy and Power

•November 22, 2015 • Leave a Comment

It’s not that I don’t like people. It’s that I feel more energetic and clear headed when I’ve been alone for awhile. So I lounge like a worthless person, too comfortable to live under my blankets in my bed, which I could probably stay forever in, if I didn’t need food or the bathroom, and my muscles wouldn’t atrophy. If money weren’t a thing, and not paying the rent for two months didn’t mean that I would no longer have a space to lounge in. If I were a thousand year old demon with monetary assets.

Then again, even they supposedly need food. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t need to eat. That’s what buddhism is all about – learning to survive when depriving the body and mind of all their needs, while fully functioning on a faith based on the lack of limitation of the universe. They’re more like, we want you to do good, because otherwise there’s karma, but you should do what you want. The consequences are yours, therefore the choices are yours. Nobody but you would feel any the worse for it.

I would like to think that, if I had all the powers and the world in my hand, that I would do good deeds and be benevolent, but I actually don’t know. We are, all of us, selectively kind. Yes, there’s racism and sexism and all kinds of discrimination, but then there’s also that one person only has enough energy for that many other people, and that’s it. The attention span and energy range are so limited. I am exhausted. I cannot bear to hear any more voices, make any more jokes, be any fun. At least for another day.

That’s just me. Meanwhile, there are people out there, on tv, who say, “If you choose me to be the leader of the free world, this is what I would do. Vote for me.” Since I’m just one of the populace, I look for reassuring things to hear, like “I will protect you and your families from war, lack of benefits, joblessness, racism, sexism, homelessness (like environmentally) and all the evils that organized bureaucracy and big government are able to help, if not cure.” Not that I’ve been hearing anything like this kind of message lately.

If you look at the job application process on the ground, it’s more like, “I will be trained efficiently, will do the job well, and can make your life easier – as long as you give me money (and health and dental insurance, and plenty of sick and vacation days)”, not that the jobless person has much power to demand these things. The individual has to prove himself, because the individual serves society. Society is much more powerful, because a group of people will always be more powerful than one person. The president is as much controlled by the system as the average person.

gratitude before the holiday

•November 10, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Mom’s 63rd birthday went by joyfully. She was happy with eating sushi with us, and I was so full I could fall asleep. We learned the difference between sashimi and a hand roll. Alice was there, and so was my sister. We four women shared stories from our lives about jobs, friends, acquaintances, plans, that kind of thing. It was filling, both spiritually and physically. She also insisted on giving me this new Primark red jacket that was bigger than me, and also some pajamas that were so cute, I can’t believe they came in my size.

Alice, Annie and I went around Prudential just talking and walking. I went home earlier than I wanted to, out of exhaustion, and that the red line was doing its construction, so I had to bus part of the way, right in the middle. And there was that concert the next day.

It was gospel. Most people wouldn’t call church music a concert, but I could see why she did it. Keeping everything politically correct at work is difficult, and this is one of the ways. She sang almost the whole time, and her voice was very strong. I was surprised, because she’s so soft spoken in the office. At church, her voice led the worship, and commanded the atmosphere. There was a buffet afterwards. It was a solid church recruitment effort. I found out afterwards that the church had only moved to that building recently, and so that meant it had already gone through a growth spurt. It will continue to grow.

My thoughts during the performance, and then the sermon, were on different matters. Well, not entirely. Even though the words Lord, God, blessed and the usual vernacular were used, it was a very modern sermon. For instance, the man preached that humanity has a choice, and so goodness and happiness and love come from within. I had decided I should be more patient with my boyfriend with regards to the relationship. If I want forever, then I had better start acting like it. I am grateful for what I have. While I wouldn’t really call myself Christian, I believe that religion and spirituality are all human efforts to harness our emotional and mental energies for the productive, instead of the destructive. So I will go back, but probably not consistently, or every weekend. And I made some new friends.

All the socialization left me exhausted, so I came home and slept. Then I did laundry and cooked, only to find today that I actually have more food than anticipated. A good problem to have. :) I am also happy with my job right now.

Raining Bullets

•November 7, 2015 • Leave a Comment

A lot of times, it’s just so many things that I don’t know where to start. That doesn’t mean it’s necessarily negative, though. Here are some thoughts of the day.

Feminism means believing in and acting for sex and gender equality. How would this idea handle transgender women, ie. male to female transgender people? Their rights should be no different than other people’s, really.

There was a ceiling at my last position. Social factors include, first supervisor not liking me, second supervisor dating me, third supervisor not promoting me. He wasn’t promoting anyone else, either, but still. I’m much happier where I am now, and I hope I stay happier where I am.

Reasons for being happier where I am:

1. The team is much smaller, so people manage the relationships more easily.
2. No phones ringing off the hook.
3. There is a check list for how to get promoted, so the guide lines are clear, and my supervisor wasn’t shy about giving it to me when I asked.
4. I have lunch with these guys. Work doesn’t affect this.
5. I’m new, and I’m making some mistakes, but the guys are nice or joking about it. No one is angry. Even when they have to fix it. I’m learning quickly.
6. I’m going to a concert being played by a female coworker this weekend.
7. Because it was an internal move, I didn’t have to change my commute, or what time I got up.
8. Having the normal Monday to Friday schedule means I get to socialize on my weekends now.

I love my cat. He is so furry. He knows I don’t like it when he’s being too loud, so he doesn’t do that around me, really.

Mom’s birthday celebration is tomorrow. Mom is 63. My best friend may be coming, too.

I want to see the new James Bond movie Spectre. The NYTimes said that it’s a great action movie, but Daniel Craig is a much better action star than he is a romantic womanizer. But I like that in a man.

For instance, I like that my boyfriend in Miami misses me. He said he’d bring me if he could (only married people can bring someone, and only their spouses.) I’ve actually gotten a lot more sleep since he was away, so he’s probably right and we’re not ready to live together. But I can see us doing it, in a much bigger place.

Everything depends on having a job, because everything depends on money. People at the job affect so much, though.


•November 6, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Aside from what I’m paid for, I don’t think I’ve done anything useful today. Actually, maybe that’s not true. I cleaned the cat litter. I groomed the cat. But I should want to wash the dishes more. And should be more willing to clean up my living space, especially seeing as I’m the only one responsible for it.

Instead, I played Final Fantasy VII. It’s a replay, and I’m still in the beginning stages of the game. The exposition just happened, and (don’t read the next part if you haven’t played and want to play) Sephiroth is real upset that he was a manufactured super being who was supposed to serve the needs of some corporation and lead them to some Promised Land. Of course, after reading about the history of Cetra, who he thinks of as his people, he feels like most of humanity are betrayals who took their land. Then he goes off to massacre an entire town, and see his mother Jenova, who I assume is a representation of Mother Earth. In his mind, he’s saving the Earth from humanity. According to poor Cloud, Sephiroth was someone he looked up to, but then Sephiroth killed his family and entire town.

If Sephiroth were a Pokemon, he’d undoubtedly be Mew Two. Maybe Cloud’s just silly little Pikachu. Both of these stories have to do with humanity kind of enslaving the Earth. Imagine if the Native Americans were representatives of nature, and they felt the way Sephiroth and Mew Two did, and then collectively were just really powerful and vindictive. It would be a whole different face of America. Or like, all the ghosts from the Holocaust came to curse the descendants of the Germans and all the Neo Nazis. I really shouldn’t be applying fiction to reality like this. Most people do it the other way around.

In reality, nature sometimes gets her revenge, too. Look at all the times that wild animals have hunted humans. It’s kind of par for the course. My Eugene is domesticated, but if I were to randomly just die, I’m sure he’d have no problem eating my corpse if the food ran out, and the stink wasn’t enough to get the neighbors to call the police and break down the door. Returning to nature really just means succumbing to bacteria and becoming maggot food.

There was also this anime I watched years ago, named Texhnolyze, which was a dystopia where humans were at war with themselves for a really long time, and who have amputated limbs, got mechanical ones instead. I think they forgot why they were fighting, and they didn’t remember their humanity. The main character carried around a vile that was supposed to be his mother’s blood, and he wanted to use that to resurrect her, only to find that the DNA was no longer complete enough to create her again, because it degenerated before he got to the doctors and the lab. But he saw her again when he himself degenerated.

Final Fantasy VII and Texhnolyze both take the idea of the mother, and the Mother Earth, kind of far, in that mothers are supposed to be everything worth fighting for, and the ultimate idea of purity and innocence. It’s even sort of Oedipal. Actually, Neon Genesis Evangelion also does that, with the way that Rei was actually a clone of Shinji’s mother, and his attraction to her. (Everyone forgets that fifteen-year-old boys are attracted to anything female that moves.) In Shinji’s father’s design and making of the giant semi-organic possibly alien robots, to fight against actual aliens “Angels”, was his expression of grief at how his wife died. His cloning her is a way to get her back, but there’s an age difference between him and Rei. It’s unclear whether Rei has the memories of her originator. There are many papers and analyses written for Evangelion. Beneath the madness is a philosophy.

Beneath my daily life seeking who knows what, there is only darkness, warmth, and sleep.

Change Costumes, Jobs and Characters

•November 1, 2015 • Leave a Comment

For Halloween, I was a yellow ducky. I waddled ran around the street quacking at people who looked at me. I didn’t ask for any candy, because eating anything after 10pm feels bloating, and I was much more interested in hearing all the stories of Halloween that my boyfriend experienced in his boyhood, because he grew up in that area. I’m his duck, and he is a man, out walking his duck. Not that anyone did, but I thought if anyone were to ask why he wasn’t dressed up, I would say “Quack. Lord love a duck!” and my boyfriend would be the lord. Lords can wear whatever they want.

It was an extremely tiring week, because I changed positions at work. I still work at the same company, but instead of repairing internet lines, now I order, disconnect and change T1 internet lines. This is a much better fit for me, because since this department is not customer facing, my introvert nature doesn’t have to feel so harried all the time. My mind doesn’t have to be interrupted and feel fractured by lots of ringing phones. In this department, we are ever only on a call when we have scheduled it weeks in advance, and we call into a conference, not answer anything. All in all, it was a relief.

Daylights saving time is tonight. Technically, it would be at 2am, but I changed the only analog clock I still have to be an hour earlier, since this is fall back. My obsession with League of Legends grows, because that’s what I used the extra time to do. I know I will tire of it eventually, as I do with every game. But for now, it is exciting. The range of characters I can play makes it new and challenging. There’s also that I’m best at being a ranged fighter, but can level up melee ones all right too, if that’s what the party needed. If there are no lanes empty, it was time to go jungling. I learned these terms from my boyfriend, and was happy to finally watch him play today, because he keeps watching the tournaments, but I’ve never seen him play.

He does very well. Definitely an intermediate player. I am a beginner. When he plays, there are plenty of expletives, because why won’t strangers from wherever stick to my plan of wanting to do this, and play this way?  It’s rather funny, really. Also, this calls to mind one of my friends, who says that this game is banned from her household, because her husband gets angry at strangers. Well, so does my boyfriend. Not me, so much. If we lose, we lose, and it’s still just a game. There are plenty of other games on my computer.


•October 29, 2015 • Leave a Comment

When I am tired from socializing too much, it’s harder to sleep. Even though I get kind of enough sleep, the thoughts are all fuzzy, and my inner voice is practically gone. It’s like static. Other people do this to themselves with beer and alcohol all the time. It’s strange, like there’s this odd high when hanging out with people. It’s fun. It’s good to be appreciated for who you are, and not for doing a job or something that helps someone else. It’s fun to engage in some useless activity with other people, and be liked for it.

However, this is really draining, so that’s how I know I’m an introvert. Meditation usually brings the inner voice back. Or, if I didn’t want to get all new agey, reading and writing also bring the inner voice back. It’s like having an activity to pull your thoughts forcefully through the fog. That is consciousness strengthening.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 105 other followers